Golf and Tell
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
A Golfer ode to trees
I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;
A tree o'er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie;
A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;
A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send;
A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.
Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10th green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight. The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men. "Why are you fighting?" he asked "You see," said one of them, "my partner had a stroke and died just now, and these buggers want to include it on the scorecard."
Golfing Tips
An actual sign posted at an Arizona golf club...
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE
7. IF YOU'RE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES
WELL DONE
NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
...allegedly.
Golfisms
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ..neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green.The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
Riders?
A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the clubhouse, the pro asked them, "How did your game go?"
The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said she did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since she had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that she played badly with only two riders.
The pro was confounded by this term "rider," but not wanting to show his ignorance he just smiled and wished them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and said, "Jerry, can you tell me what the term 'riders' means?"
Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.
Putt vs. Put
A schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or
p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it.
Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
TEN BEST CADDY REPLIES
# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game ?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
And the # 1 Best Caddy Comment.....
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir
Hole-In-One
A group of golfers were putting on the green when suddenly a ball dropped in their midst. One of the party winked at the others and shoved the ball into the hole with his foot. Seconds later a very fat player puffed on to the green quite out of breath and red of face.
He looked around distractedly and then asked, "Seen my ball?"
"Yeah, it went in the hole," the joker answered with straight-faced alacrity.
The fat one looked at him unbelievingly. Then he walked to the hole, looked in, reached down and picked up his ball. His astonishment was plain to see. Then he turned, ran down the fairway and as he neared his partner the group on the green heard him shout, "Hey, Sam, I got an eleven!"
Close But No Cigar
Tim and Joe finished their weekly round of golf with Tim pulling out his typical victory, although not by the customary wide margin. Even though the match was unusually close, Joe seemed more upset than usual by the outcome.
“Talk about the worst luck in the world,” grumbled Joe as they headed into the locker room. “I just can’t seem to buy a darn break.”
“Why are you being so hard on yourself?” asked Tim. "You played great all week. Heck, you almost won.”
“That’s what’s so aggravating,” yelled Joe. “I cheated like crazy and I still lost!”
OK,OK so I picked the wrong team
A Little Dopey
The Seven Dwarves were working underground when their mine suddenly caved in. Snow White immediately ran to the entrance and yelled down to them at the top of her lungs.
In the distance a voice shouted out, "The Detroit Lions are good enough to win the Super Bowl!"
Snow White wiped her brow in relief and said, "Well at least Dopey's still alive!"