A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at Sawgrass in Ponte Vedra, Florida, exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land.
It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as do many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.
Recently, he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.
However, before he could hit it, a powerful voice from above came booming out from the clouds, saying: "WAIT... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW ONE."
He complied. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: "WAIT. STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."
So, he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this Heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.
The voice boomed out again: "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."
Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited. A long silence followed...
Then the voice again boomed: "USE THE OLD BALL."
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap. IE. back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing Brain Surgery.
Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't
1.Nuts....my shaft is bent.
2.After 18 holes I can barely walk
3.You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
4.Look at the size of his putter.
5.Mind if I join your threesome?
6.Stand with your back turned and drop it.
7.Keep your head down and spread your legs a little more
8.My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
9.Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
10.Hold up.....I need to wash my balls first.
Did you know that when a woman
wears a leather dress a man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees
and he begins to think irrationally???
[attachment=632]
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag!
GOLF, n.
1. A game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by
disappointment and bad arithmetic.
2. A game of opposites - the world's slowest people are
ahead of you, and the fastest are behind.
3. A colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the
pink, and financially in the red.
4. A game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under
blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the
law, but a form of moral effort.
5. A game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to
the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.
GOLF CART, n.
1. A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a
caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.
GOLFER, n.
1. A person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down
five;
2. A guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he
doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he
had a great day.
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.~ Sam Snead
I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett
Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 strokes to do that. ~ Jim Murray
The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them ~ Kevin Costner
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.. ~ Brian Weis
Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs & the air. ~ Jack Benny
There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.. ~ Ben Hogan
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best ~ Jack Nicklaus
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H G Wells
I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.. ~ Bob Hope
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands have to work. ~ Lee Trevino
My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf. You know, golf ... that' s the game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women. So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.
He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"
"Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find."
"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off."
"What's tee off?"
"It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."
"Not for me" I said, "you can tee off in front of the clubhouse if you want, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere."
"No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."
"Yeah, I've got one of those."
"Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."
"You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around."
"You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."
Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.
He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"
"Sure"
"You're balls are in it, aren't they?"
"Of course," I told him.
"Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?"
"I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to."
"Don't you have a zipper on your bag?"
"No, I am the old fashioned type."
"Do you know how to hold your club?"
Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so.
He said, "You take your club in both hands ..."
Well folks, I knew right then that he didn't know what he was talking about.
Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder ..."
No, no, that's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about.
He asked, "How do your hold your club?"
And before I thought about it, I said "With two fingers."
He said that wasn't right, got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me.
Well, he couldn't catch me there for nothing. I didn't spend four years in the Navy for nothing.
He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars ..."
I could well imagine that.
"... and when you're on the green ..."
"What's the green?"
"That's where the hole is."
"Sure you're not color blind?"
"Then you take your putter in your hands"
"What's a putter?"
"That's the smallest club made."
"That's what I got, a putter."
"And with it, you put your ball into the hole."
I corrected him, "You mean the putter."
"No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too."
Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
"Then," he said," after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17."
Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell.
"You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?"
"Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?"
"The flag will go up!"
Uh, huh ...
When you pick up something off the floor, you have to lean on your putter
The only number on your speed dial is 1-800-TEETIME.
You have your priorities in order: food, shelter, greens fees, job.
You dream you get sent to prison but still get conjugal visits with your driver.
You tell the lost motorist that the gas station is only a par 4 away on the left.
You’d like to take off your glove but hey, why bother?
Whenever you see a hole in the ground, you squat, squint and read the line.
You’re vaguely aware of living with a woman, allegedly your wife
You ask the shopper ahead in the checkout line if you can play through.
Before you pick up the salt shaker, you mark its position with a dime
Harry teed his ball up, addressed his golf ball, and took a magnificent swing. Something went wrong, and he hit a wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and it went onto the adjoining one -- where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock!
Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, with the ball lying between his feet. "Oh no!" exclaimed Harry. "What should we do?"
"I'm not sure," said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here, he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies or drop it two club lengths away without penalty."
HOOK: (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish.
(2) A clever advertisement used to lure a fisherman to spend his life?s savings on fishing supplies.
(3) The punch administered by said fisherman?s wife after she learns what he spent their life?s savings on. (Usually accompanied by word, right or left.)
LINE: Something you give your coworkers when they ask how your fishing trip went.
LURE: An object that dangles from the end of your fishing line and is supposed to encourage fish to bite it. It is the fisherman?s equivalent of sports cards, comic books, buttons, lint, and other things you collect that generally have no purpose.
REEL: A weighted object that causes a "r od" to sink quickly when dropped overboard. (sorry for some reason that word is restricted - hence the space).
R OD: An attractively-painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
TACKLE: What your last catch did to you right after you brought him into the boat and right before he jumped back overboard.
TACKLE BOX: A box shaped alarmingly like a good first aid kit, only a tackle box carries an extremely large number of sharp objects, so that when you reach in blindly to grab an adhesive bandage, you soon find that you will need more than one.
TEST: (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific ***** range.
(2) A measure of your creativity when trying to come up with yet another explanation for why you have come home once again empty-handed.