Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.
Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing.
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him.
"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?"
"Right after the National Anthem."
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." - Tim Steeves
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. - Author Unknown
The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green. - Ernest Hemingway
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. - Jack Lemmon
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose. - Woodrow Wilson
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. - Mark Twain
I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators. - Gerald Ford
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken. - Raymond Floyd
Golf...I'm hitting the woods just great ... but having a terrible time getting out of them! - Author Unknown
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. - Hank Aaron
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five. - Paul Harvey
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. - Jack Benny
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. - Billy Graham
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing. - Ben Hogan
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end. - Chuck Hogan
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. - Harry Vardon
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon
After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning.
"It's twenty to seven," she called.
"Yeah? Who's winning?"
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."
Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $1,000 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."
James addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted.
The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped like a ton of bricks!
James and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious, with the ball between his feet.
"Good heavens!" exclaimed James. "What should I do?"
"Don't move him!" cautioned his partner. "If we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or drop it two club lengths away."
Two long time golfing buddies were playing the back nine when suddenly a thunderstorm formed overhead, and one lightning bolt zapped both players, killing them instantly.
When they reported to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter discovered there had been an error and neither of them was supposed to be in heaven just yet. Since both their original bodies had been burned to cinders he offered to return them in what ever form they preferred.
After a brief discussion, one of them stated they wanted to return as a lesbian.
"A Lesbian?!?!?!?!,'' cried St. Peter, "Why would you want to return as a Lesbian?''
"Well,'' replied one,
"We can still eat pussy, AND we get to use the red tees!''
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"