Vacant job listing lingo....
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you and you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear ear rings.
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy or English.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and then do it.
New Element Discovered
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice-neutrons, for an atomic number of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemicallly, as it impedes every action with which it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, one reaction that normally requires less than one second was extended to four days by the presence of a minute amount of Administratium.
Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies suggest that its atomic mass actually increases in each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities, and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
"Everybody brings joy into this office...
Some when they enter.
Others when they leave."
(This may be an old joke, but it is so true in my office)
I think I could relate to this poem.
Prison vs. Work
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own loot. At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.
The Difference Between You and Your Boss!
When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.
When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.
When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.
The Salesman
A salesman decided to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new job.
"Well," he replied, "The pay isn't great and the hours are long, but one thing I really like is that the customer is always wrong!"
Does this sound like your office?
Four People
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
Marketing Lesson
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!” That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s very rich. Marry him.” That’s Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” That’s Telemarketing.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me.” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That’s Customer Feedback.
LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
1 Joe Soap, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Joe be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.