I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to be 80?"
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART..
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
Late one evening two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they passed a very respectable-looking girl. As she passed one says to the other "I'd give fifty pounds to spend a night with her."
The girl overheard, turned and said "It's a bargain!" The man immediately said goodnight to his friend and took the lady to her flat.
The next morning the man got up, put 25 pounds on the dresser, and prepared to go. She asked for the rest of the money, adding "If you don't pay up I'll sue you for it." The man laughed and departed.
A few days later he got a summons. He rushed off to his solicitor, who said "She can't possibly recover from you for that, but it will be interesting to see what her lawyer makes of it.
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Counsel rose and said "Your Honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a delightful piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by shrubbery, which she agreed to rent to the defendant for a special length of time for fifty pounds. The defendant took possession, used it repeatedly for the purpose for which he had rented it, but upon leaving the premises he paid only half the agreed rent. The rent was not excessive since this was restricted property, and we asked for judgement for the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was amused by this, but he thought it would save his client embarrassment if he replied in the same terms. "Your Honour," he said, "my client agrees that this young lady has a very attractive piece of property, that he did rent it, and derived great pleasure from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, opened a shaft, and erected a pump, supplying all his own materials, and personally using his own labour. These improvements to the property were more than enough to offset the unpaid amount, and we submit that plaintiff was adequately compensated."
The modest maiden's lawyer replied, "My client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and that he did carry out the work and make the improvements described. However, had the defendant not known the well was there, he would not have rented the shrubbery in the first place. Also on giving up the lease, defendant removed his stones and pulled up the shaft, and took the pump away with him. Moreover, your Honour, in doing so he not only dragged his equiptment through the shrubbery, but he left the whole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to small boys. I ask for judgement for the lady.
The Judge said that in view of her actions, it was only right that the young lady should be covered, and he found accordingly.
A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing colonoscopies:
"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you must aquit!"
"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
The stuttering patient.
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, 'D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp me?'
The doctor says, 'Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on.' So he examines him and says, 'Well I think I know what the problem is.'
The guy says, 'Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?'
The doctor says, 'Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords..'
The guy says, 'Wwwat cccan we ddo?'
The doctor advises, 'Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.'
The guy says, 'Dddo it!'
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, 'Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter
anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.'
The doctor says, 'P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!'
A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions:
"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"
"Yes"
"What was stolen?"
"Two televisions"
"Did you see the thieves?"
"Yes"
"Could you identify them?"
"Yes"
"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"
At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.
(What's a defense attorney to do?)
Note: Maybe this should have gone in the "Blonde joke thread"
The DA stared at the jury, unable to believe the "not guilty" verdict he'd just heard. Bitterly, he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"
The foreman answered, "Insanity."
The attorney responded, still incredulous, "I could understand that. . .but - all twelve of you?"
While this is not a joke, it does reflect the shark-like aspects that most of us feel about lawyers
ROME (Reuters) - An Italian woman who worked as a part-time judge as well as a lawyer was substituted by her identical twin sister in court so she would not lose out on legal fees when she had two simultaneous engagements.
The 54-year-old twins from northern Italy have now been charged with fraud and will go on trial in January, Italy's leading newspaper, Corriere della Sera, reported Friday on its website.
Funny lawyer quotes:
There are three sorts of lawyers - able, unable and lamentable. - Robert Smith Surtees
Whoever tells the best story wins. - John Quincy Adams
A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth. - Patrick Murray
Ignorance of the law excuses no man - from practicing it. - Adison Mizner
In almost every case, you have to read between the lies. - Angie Papadakis
A lawyer is a gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it for himself. - Lord Brougham
A man is innocent until proven broke. - Anonymous
How serious is it?
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."