Every year John went to the Doctor for an annual exam. This year was no different. After the Doctor examined John, he told him"You are in excellent health and I will see you again next year".
John left the office and as he was walking back to his car he collapsed, apparently unconscious.
As the next patient was going to the Doctor's office she noticed a collapsed man laying face down on the sidewalk facing the street. She reported to the nurse what she saw.
The nurse ran out and saw it was John whom the doctor had just given a good bill of health. Immediately the nurse checked his pulse and found none. She ran back to the office and reported this incident to the Doctor and said "What should I do"?
The Doctor said "Which way is he facing"? The nurse replied, "He is facing leaving the office".
The Doctor replied "Turn him around so he is facing coming into the office".
.........AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ####ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission into heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says: "I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities."
Saint Peter says: "Enter."
The other doctor says: "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people."
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven too.
The third applicant steps forward and says: "I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care."
Saint Peter tells him: "You can come in, too."
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds: "But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large they have to do a brain transplant.
His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce.
The outraged lawyer says: "This is a rip off! Why are the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?"
The doctor replies: "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked: "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother. "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said: 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Dentist begging the patient: "Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?"
Patient: "Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time."
Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game!"
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them
their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction" The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind"
But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time .... So ... Do you think we should .... Well ..... You know ...... Screw her ?"
The other lawyer asked "Out of WHAT?"
The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict.
Bitterly, he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"
The foreman answered, "Insanity."
The D.A. said, "All twelve of you?"
Note: A physician claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies.
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."