Miss Adams was explaining multi-syllable words to her third-grade class. 'You all know single-syllable words like hand, foot, house, and dog, but some words are made up of more than one syllable,' she said. 'Now who can give me an example of a word made up of MORE than one syllable.' Little Johnny raised his hand eagerly. 'All right, Johnny , go ahead,' smiled Miss Adams. 'Autoeroticism,' beamed little Johnny. 'My goodness, Johnny, that's a mouthful,' marveled Miss Adams. 'No, Miss Adams, that's masturbation,' explained Johnny. 'You're thinking of a blowjob.'
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one says 'My answer is, there IS no answer.' The second one says 'My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.' The third guy says, 'I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.' He got the job.
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced 'Bear.' Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle.' He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, 'Elk, shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.' He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home drunk out of his mind and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, 'I know I was drunk last night, but I think I'd remember a brawl. Where did I get this black eye?' His wife angrily replied, 'I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'
'Y'all got any American razor blades in here ?' the Texan asked the London pharmacist. 'All I see are these damn Wilkinsons.' 'Sir,' the Englishman patiently replied, 'Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo.' 'I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they ain't any good.' the Texan retorted. 'I can assure you they are very good sir.' the peeved druggist said. 'Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a neighbour, cut two of a delivery boy's fingers off at the knuckle -- and I still got 10 shaves out of it.'
The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina. "What are you going to use it for?" she asked. "None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and throughly offended. "Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl. "The only reason I'm asking is that if you are going to eat, we don't have to charge you sales tax."
A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for the evening. The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge. Very happy, he leaves. A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like six girls for the evening. In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000. Confused the man asks, ''I don' t understand, on Tuesday it was free.'' ''That's right,'' replies the madam, ''but on Tuesdays we're on cable.''
A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a group of cowboys, who then proceeded to kick the shit out of him.
Kelly limps into his favorite pub...
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the bartender.
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and said, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me find a suitable one?"
The marriage officer said, "Your requirements please."
"Well, let me see. He needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. He has to be willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. He must also tell me interesting stories when I need companionship for conversations, or be silent when I want to rest."
The officer listened carefully and replied,
"I understand. You need a television."
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs!"
Even back then they didn't trust us!!