Erotic Adult Vacation

Yesterday my daughter asked me why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "For heaven's sake, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier...


(Do you think she believed me??)

MALE PROCEDURE:
1... Drive up to the ATM.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off..


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(Unfortunately, most of this is true.!!)

1. Drive up to ATM machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN ...
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to ATM machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
27. Release Hand Brake.

The best engine in the world is the vagina, it takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with 1 finger, and every 4 weeks does its own oil change.

It's just a pity the management system is so fuckin' temperamental.

A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"

Sex is....

Duty - if done with your wife
Art - if done with your love
Education - if done with a virgin
Tuition - if done with your teacher
Job - if done with your Secretary/Boss
Science - if done with fertile lady
Business - if done with prostitute
Social work - if done with your neighbour
Charity - if done with a widow
Sacrifice- if done with your own hand!

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and le! gs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one ..."

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

Mens Useless organs

DO YOU KNOW THAT A "MAN" IS MADE UP OF MANY USELESS PARTS.
~ ONE ADAMS APPLE THAT ISN'T AN APPLE.
~ TWO CALVES THAT NEVER BECOME COWS.
~ TEN NAILS THAT WON'T HOLD BOARDS.
~ A CHEST THAT WON'T HOLD LINEN.
~ TWO TiTS THAT WON'T GIVE MILK.
~ A BELLY BUTTON THAT WON'T BUTTON.
~ AN ASS THAT WON'T PULL A PLOW.
~ TWO BALLS THAT WON'T ROLL.
~ AND AN ORGAN THAT WON'T PLAY MUSIC.

TO ALL THE LADIES:....
WHAT ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT.............?
YOU'VE GOT A PUSSY THAT CAN'T CATCH MICE!!!