Erotic Adult Vacation

Apples & Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the
top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones
because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but
easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them,
when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the
right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all
the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men . Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes,
and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn
into something acceptable to have dinner with.


Share this with all the good apples you know



(I know some woman must have written this one)

According to Wikpedia, using the middle finger as an offensive gesture dates back much farther than the battle you mention and perhaps back as far as 2500 years. The article relating to this in Wikpedia does mention a myth of the battle of Agincourt but says that the common mythology is that the French would cut off two fingers of the right hand to prevent them from using the longbow. The English who were not captured would use a V sign with their right hand in a symbol of defiance. Here is a copy part of that article that can be found at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_finger.



Finger (gesture)

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"The finger" is a very common offensive hand gesture.
In western cultures, the finger, as in giving someone the finger, is a popularly known obscene hand gesture made by extending the middle finger of the hand while bending the other fingers at the second knuckle. Its meaning approximates to "f* you".

The gesture is also known as "the bird", "flipping the bird", "The Middle Finger Salute", "you're number one", "the one-finger salute", "the highway salute", "flipping (someone) off", "showing someone the middle finger", "digital signalling", "thumbs up plus 2", "the good-bye salute", "the California howdy" (from The Beverly Hillbillies film), "the rude hand gesture" (in the Harry Potter series), or "the Trudeau/Salmon Arm salute" (in Canada).






Contents[[url=jtoggleToc()]hide[/url]]

• 1 Origin [/*]
• 2 Interpretation [/*]
• 3 Famous examples [/*]
• 4 See also [/*]
• 5 External links [/*]

//



[edit]
Ancient Roman writings [1] and reference is made to using the finger in the Ancient Greek comedy The Clouds by Aristophanes. It was defined there as a gesture intended to insult another. It has been noted that the gesture resembles an erect penis.[citation needed][/suP]Ancient Romans also considered an image of an erect phallus as a talisman against evil spells. As a consequence, displaying this gesture to another may not have been a pseudo-sexual insult but rather an insulting statement along the lines of "I'm going to protect myself against your witchcraft, before you even start," but an even earlier reference[citation needed][/suP] is made to ancient farmers using this finger to test hens for coming eggs.

It has long been told that the famous "two-fingers salute" and/or "V sign" derives from the gestures of English archers, fighting at Agincourt. The myth claims that the French cut off two fingers on the right hand of captured archers and that the gesture was a sign of defiance by those who were not mutilated.

Jean Froissart (circa 1337-circa 1404) was a historian and the author of Froissart's Chronicles, a document that is essential to an understanding of Europe in the fourteenth century and to the twists and turns taken by the Hundred Years' War. The story of the English waving their fingers at the French is told in the first person account by Jean Froissart. However, the description is not of an incident at the Battle of Agincourt, but rather at the siege of a castle nearby in the Hundred Years' War. Adding to the evidence is that by all accounts Jean Froissart died before the battle actually took place; it was therefore rather difficult for him to have written about it.

One should note that Jean Froissart's writings aren't the most reliable and that a similar story is told about the English giving the V sign. This can be further explored at the Battle of Agincourt.



The article goes on a bit from there but that is the major parts of it.

Islandhopper []

With all the sources out there, sometimes it's hard to know which in fact is correct. A couple of college instructors told me part of their frustrations were when students would turn in papers with incorrect data and when they checked the sources the student would use found it was indeed incorrect (Example: One history text states that the city of Salinas, Ca is a Coastal city is incorrect).

A farmer goes out one day and buys a new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Okay, it's time for you to retire."
The old rooster says "Surely you can't handle all these hens yourself.
How about letting me have those two old birds over in the corner?"
The new rooster says "No. You're washed up. I'm taking over."
"Tell you what" says the old rooster, "I'll race you around the farmhouse. Who-
ever wins gets exclusive domain over the whole chicken coop."
The new rooster laughs and says "You don't stand a chance. In fact, I'll give you a head start."
So, the old rooster starts running and after a few seconds the new rooster takes off after him.
He's gaining fast when they pass the porch where the farmer is sitting.
The old man sees them running by, picks up his shotgun, and blows the new rooster to bits,
then shakes his head and says sadly, "Dammit, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Moral: Don't mess with old farts. Age and treachery will overcome youth and skill every time.

All I keep getting are these e-mails about how women are smarter, women are superior, women are stronger.
I won't contest that. But I will say, if they're so smart why can't they figure out these very simple things about us men.

Very simple rules to follow and we'll be loving and content spouses.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you
need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

2. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

3. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. (Really, really listen to this one)

6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

8. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

15. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

16. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

17. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

18. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

19. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

20. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

21. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway...)

22. Check your oil.

23. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

24. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

25. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

26. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

27. Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

28. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.

29. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

30. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

31. If it itches, it will be scratched.

32. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. Simple enough, right?

When you are talking about gestures and slang it is always difficult to derive the begginings of those words and gestures in part because they tend not to be found in mainstream documents and writings. They also go through a great deal of changes in meanings over the course of years, decades, or centuries.

Islandhopper

An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis?"

"Well, For one, I like to watch my money grow," he began.
"Second ........ once in a while, I like to play with my money...
"Third....... I like how money feels in my hand...
"And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did.."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS ...


(Just a note: My ex must have been on PMS 24/7 by 52)

You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
b) Blood-test results.
c) A cab.
d) Five tequila slammers.

You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first.
b) You both climax simultaneously.
c) The director can set up for a close-up.
d) You don't miss football.

Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Strictly for cats.
b) Healthy, creative love-play.
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.

A prostitute is:

a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

A wife is:

a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?

a) When she drops her nail file.
b) When she goes the color of a Chicago Bulls uniform.
c) When the Earth moves.
d) Who cares?

Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing sexual fantasy:

a) "Frankly Scarlet, I don't give a damn..."
b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please, Carol...."

You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you expect:

a) An overdraft.
b) Oral sex.
c) Her to pay next time.
d) A thank-you letter.

Woman who consent to having sex with when they're drunk are:

a) Easier.
b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgment.
c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgment.
d) A tricky defense in court.

You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and a carving knife in the other. Do you:

a) Talk through her anger.
b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
d) Ask her to put down the knife.

A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
c) May need glasses.
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

A woman whispers, "Do me now, big boy....." in your ear. She is obviously:

a) Short-sighted.
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless sexual gratification.
c) Begging for it.
d) A recording.

Your local Mayor is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:

a) Outraged.
b) Implicated.
c) Jealous.
d) Not going to vote anyway.

During sex, you:

a) Haggle.
b) Talk dirty.
c) Talk love.
d) Talk on the phone.

Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Priming is to painting.
b) Appetizer is to entree.
c) Trailer is to feature.
d) A line is to an amusement park ride.

It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:

a) Call her.
b) Call your lawyer.
c) Call your doctor.
d) Call your wife.

Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) The best part of the experience.
b) The second best part of the experience.
c) A loathsome chore.
d) $100. extra.

6. Your girlfriend says she has gained two kilos in ***** in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours.
b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
c) No problem - she can join your gym.
d) A conservative estimate.

7. Today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) An ideal to which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.