It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor." Testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman ... so I showed her."
AMA Bulletin . . .
American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions, may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and *****. The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man says, "And the *****?"
"Keeps him from falling out of bed."
Special Fare
US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.
Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
A self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what is wrong."
"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?"
"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."
"How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it."
"Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"
"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been."
The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"
"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."
"O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!"
This guy is in bed with a real sexy bi woman having the best sex he's had in years,doing things he had only read about/fantasied about.
The bedroom door opens and there stands ANOTHER WOMAN!!!!
WHAT is the most likely scenario??
A:There is a god!!! and he's in heaven for the night!!!
OR
B: A divorce!!!!
Three guys were sitting around discussing pain.
The first says the most pain I ever endured is when I fell off a ladder while painting the house and ended up breaking my arm.
The second guy says I can see where that would smart a little bit, but thats nothing compared to me. I was out mountain climbing, fell off a cliff and broke my leg. The two of them look at the third guy and say, well, what about you?
The third guy scratches his chin in deep thought and finally says, I guess the second most pain I ever endured is when I was out deer hunting, I had to take a dump, ended up sh*ting on a bear trap and it clamped right on my nuts.
The other two gasped and said my god, that was the second most pain, what was the first?
The third guy replies "when I reached the end of the chain"
A little saying I came across:
Men screw people with their dicks
Women screw them with their minds
OR
Their lawyers!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a cub reporter, I interviewed a woman on her 100th birthday. She proved to be a sparkling, intelligent person who delighted in recalling events from her colorful yesteryear's.
"I've lived from the early automobile age to the airplane age and loved every minute of it," she exclaimed, her blue eyes dancing and her face glowing.
When I had exhausted all my questions, she seemed reluctant to end the conversation, so I voiced one more inquiry. "Have you ever been bedridden?"
"Oh, honey," came the instant reply, "hundreds of times and twice in a hay-stack!
(Go Granny go)
Since I posted one on Women, it's only fair I post the "mens" version:
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET
MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET
MEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: MAN
SYMBOL: Ego
DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs.
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars". Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labour)
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some areas, soft in others.
2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense.
3. Melts if treated like a God.
4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
5. Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
6. Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewellery Store). However, is attracted to small quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element.
2. May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.
3. Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking.
4. When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
5. Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
6. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
7. Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6.
8. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
9. Is impervious to embarrassment.
10. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.