Erotic Adult Vacation

marriage degree

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage...

TWO YEAR DEGREE COURSE
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in:
Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an MA degree. (Male Arts)

Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS-Learn To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120: How NOT to Act like an arse when you're Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN *****: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How To Put the Toilet Seat Down

(Elective)
(See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest, You Don't Look Like Brad Pitt
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important


Spring Schedule:
MEN 220: Omitting %&*!@ from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket after Farting Is NOT Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important II

Course Electives:
EAT 102: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 103: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-In-Law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Kathleen. When Heidi started going into labor, she called "911."

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"

There are at least EIGHT types of ORGASM of a WOMAN.

1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................

2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................

3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No............

4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming.............

5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God.........................

6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More.....................

7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you.....

8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH...Deeper...Go DEEPER !! :-)

9. The Fake - Oh (insert your name here), *Oh (insert your name here).....

Love, Lust, or Marriage...

Here's a guide to help you determine whether you are in love, in lust, or are married

Love - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.
* * *
Love - when intercourse is called making love.
Lust - all other times.
Marriage - what's intercourse?
* * *
Love - when you share everything you own.
Lust - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
Marriage - when the bank owns everything.
* * *
Love - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage - what's a climax?
* * *
Love - when you phone each other just to say "I love you."
Lust - when you phone each other just to organize sex.
Marriage - when you phone each other to find out what time your kid's game starts.
* * *
Love - when you write poems about your partner.
Lust - when all you write is your partner's phone number.
Marriage - when all you write is checks.
* * *
Love - when you show concern for your true love's feelings.
Lust - when you show concern for whether your partner is cute & sexy.
Marriage - when your only concern is what's on television; & where is the remote?
* * *
Love - when your farewell is, "I love you, darling."
Lust - when your farewell is, "Same time next week?"
Marriage - when your farewell is, "Don't forget to pick up the kids on the way home."
* * *
Love - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
Lust - when you only see each other in the bedroom.
Marriage - when you never see each other awake.
* * *
Love - when your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust - when your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage - when your wallet empties every time you see them.
* * *
Love - when nobody else matters.
Lust - when nobody else knows.
Marriage - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
* * *
Love - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust - when all the songs on the radio are just the same old mushy stuff.
Marriage - when you never have time to listen to music.
* * *
Love - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust - when staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage - when wondering how you will get through the day is something you try not to think about.
* * *
Love - when you're interested in everything your partner does.
Lust - when you're only interested in one thing.
Marriage - when you're not interested in what your partner does; and where IS that darned remote?

Translating MEN's English:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let's have sex now

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to
have sex with other guys.

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have
sex with you in the next ten minutes

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I
am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay.


Translating WOMEN'S English

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

We need = I want

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

You're so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed.
The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible!"
To which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible".


(Wonder how long he had to sleep on the couch)

While I was working in the men's section of a department store,a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I asked about his size, the woman looked confused at first. Then her face brightened.

She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."

Uh - Oh... Little Bobby & The Maxi Pads
My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.I read the box in the cabinet.

I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen??? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for special occasions".

Now fast forward a few months...
It's Easter Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"

I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client.

"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One earring read, 'With all,' and the other, 'my love.'

When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, "To remind me that the next time anyone says that to me, I should let it go in one ear and out the other."

The Ex-Wife Alphabet

A is for Alimony ... the gift that keeps on giving.

B is for Balls ... which are now ours again.

C is for Court ... where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.

D is for Divorce ... the alternative to ax murder.

E is for Equitable Distribution ... another oxymoron.

F is for Flatulence ... finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.

G is for Gandhi ... someone you could actually say had lost ***** without having to lie.

H is for House ... which the bitch also got.

I is for Inmate ... where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.

J is for Jewelry ... the former great equalizer.

K is for Kids ... the best of everything.

L is for Lawyer ... whose most recent vacation you just paid for.

M is for Mother ... and Oh what a Mother F*cker!!!!!!

N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.

O is for Overdrawn ... what your checking account always was.

P is for PMS ... what we say: "No, honey, you don't look like you're retaining water" ...what we mean, "No wonder there's a citywide drought."

Q is for Quarter ... what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.

R is for Rehearsal Dinner ... should never have stayed for dessert.

S is for Sex ... thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.

T is for Throat ... the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.

U is for UPS ... the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.

V is for Visa ... one of several cards she maxed out.

W is for Wrong ... which you always were.

X is for X chromosome ... I swear some women have more than two!

Y is for Yacht ... maybe the next guy will have one.

Z is for Zirconium ... I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium.