Erotic Adult Vacation

One Used Wife, 1989 Model

Needs muffler, as it is currently VERY LOUD. Intake valve is stuck in the open position.

Rear end needs major overhaul. A crack there has grown monstrously large.

Needs re-wiring: many wires are currently crossed.

Lots of little dings in the body, which have been covered up with too much paint in a failed effort at camouflaging them.

Needs re-upholstering: carpet has turned a dingy gray.

Needs front-end work: headlights are too close to the ground and fenders are too far apart.

May not pass emissions test, as it currently produces clouds of foul, malodorous gases on a regular basis.

Heater works great. Hot air is never in short supply.

Asking $500 or trade for 2005 model.

I'm not quite sure what to make of that last line, but I think he wants trade his wife of 30 years for someone who has only been married for 4 years

When three-year-old opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
The Mother was not so pleased. She turned to grandma and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Grandma smiled and then replied knowingly, "I remember."

Ah yes - the reason that grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy............. the parents!

I walked in on the wife the other day struggling with the ironing board.

She usually keeps it folded up and out of the way behind the laundry room door and then pulls it out on the rare occasion something actually needs ironing, like one of my dress shirts or a blouse she's planning on wearing.

She was pulling and yanking on the thing when she saw me and declared, " You need to go out and buy me a new ironing board. It's almost impossible to get this thing's legs open."

"Now you know what I have to deal with," I responded.

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear......I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''

Remember the old saying "Hell Hath NO FURY like a woman scorn!"

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here, " argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on them. My wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it!"

Suzy, age 9, and Little Johnny, age 10, are sitting on the front porch swing.

Little Johnny says to Suzy, "Screw you, Suzy."

A minute goes by and Suzy replies, "Screw YOU, Little Johnny."

A moment or two and Little Johnny says, "Screw YOU, Suzy."

In response, "Screw *YOU*, Little Johnny," Suzy says.

After about ten minutes of this, Suzy's mom comes out on the porch and says, "What on earth are you kids doing?"

They reply in unison, "We're having oral sex!"

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at the Air Base with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11.

Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

Mary: My ex had only one thing on his mind. I was in the bedroom reading, and he was in the den watching TV when he yelled, "C'mere! C'mere! Ya gotta see this!" So I went.

Jill: What on Earth was it?

Mary: It was a sword swallower showing how to suppress your gag reflex when something is shoved down your throat!

"I can't believe that you and Claire are splitting up," said John to his friend Pete. "I've always thought of you as the perfect couple, that you'd be together forever. Surely you can sort things out, it can't be that bad, can it?"

"Well" explained Pete, "We were driving through a red light district last night when Claire said: "Oh look, it's one of those hookers, or prossies, or whores or whatever you call them." And I said: 'It's Kelly. Her name is Kelly.'"

John fell silent for a moment, and then said: "So who do you think will get to keep the house?"

It was a hectic day of running errands with my wife and son. As if the stress weren't enough, four-year-old Christopher insisted on asking questions about everything, told me how to drive better, and sang every song he knew.

Finally, fed up with the incessant chatter, I made him an offer: "Christopher, if you'll be quiet for just a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter." It worked.

But when we stopped for lunch, I unknowingly began to harp on him. "Christopher, sit up straight ... don't spill your drink ... don't talk with your mouth full."

Finally he said seriously, "Dad, if you'll be quiet for just a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter."