A different version for those of you that 80 degrees is a little cool:
What happens at these Fahrenheit temperatures:
+65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.
+60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).
+50 - Miami residents turn on the heat.
+45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
+40 - You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
+35 - Italian cars don't start.
+32 - Water freezes.
+30 - You plan your vacation to Australia.
+25 - Ohio water freezes. Californians weep. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
+20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation farther South.
+15 - French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
+10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+ 5 - American cars don't start.
0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 - German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 - Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 - You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 - Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip South.
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 - Hell freezes over. Polar bears move South. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can face the world without lies and deceit
If you can conquer tension without medical help
If you can relax without liquor
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs
If you can do all these things
Then . . . .
You are probably the family dog.
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."
Subject: (Olympic Skier) Nurse Picabo
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete....she is now a nurse. She has completed her RN training and is currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a Denver hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones, however. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say . .Picabo, ICU.
Top 15 Signs You've Been Out Of College Too Long:
15- Your potted plants stay alive.
14- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
13- 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
12- You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
10- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
9- You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
8- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
7- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
6- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
5- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
4- MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
3- A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
2- Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
1- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. (Disclaimer - Take does not count the time you spend on the TS Forum :laugh: )
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ...couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so ...they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because ...it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that ...was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but ...I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just ...didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I ...couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found ...I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I ..didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I ...just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I ...couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I ...tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was ...just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I ...wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I ...wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I ...was discharged.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was ...no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it ...was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M A PERFECT FIT FOR THIS JOB!
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project, he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."
And for plenty of good reasons, since:
1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. It is a major component in acid rain
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you
5. It contributes to erosion
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He feels the conclusion is obvious.
(The "joke" here is that this is TRUE)
Vincent Van Gogh's Family Reunion
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother.................. Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt ..............................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes...........Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle ..............................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.....Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia...............U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white.....Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois..................................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.................................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin.....................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach .......Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle...................................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst.......................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking........Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew.........................Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van...
...Winnie Bay Gogh
ALL IN A NAME:
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's Son: Rob
Lawyer's Son: Will
Doctor's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
JCB operator's son: Doug
Hair Stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound technician's son: Mike
Hot-dog vender's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Bette
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry
THE NEXT TIME YOU HEAR A POLITICIAN USE THE WORD "BILLION" CASUALLY, THINK ABOUT WHETHER YOU WANT THE POLITICIAN SPENDING YOUR TAX MONEY...
A BILLION IN A DIFFICULT NUMBER TO COMPREHEND, BUT ONE ADVERTISING AGENCY DID A GOOD JOB OF PUTTING THAT FIGURE INTO PERSPECTIVE IN ONE OF ITS RELEASES...
1. A BILLION SECONDS AGO IT WAS 1959
2. A BILLION MINUTES AGO JESUS WAS ALIVE.
3. A BILLION HOURS AGO OUR ANCESTORS WERE LIVING IN THE STONE AGE.
4. A BILLION DAYS AGO NO-ONE WALKED ON TWO FEET ON EARTH.
5. A BILLION DOLLARS AGO WAS ONLY 8 HOURS AND 20 MINUTES, AT THE RATE OUR GOVERNMENT SPENDS IT.