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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.... You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck. Get the fuck away from me."
The CIA is interviewing three potential agents — two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer. "Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
"You can't be serious," the man says. "I could never shoot my wife."
"Then you're not the right man for the job," says the interviewer.
The second man is given the same instructions. Five minutes later, he emerges with tears in his eyes and says, "I can't."
Finally, the woman is given the test, but with her husband.
She takes the gun and enters the room. Shots are heard, then screaming, crashing, and banging. After a few minutes, she comes out and wipes the sweat from her brow. "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks," she says. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor says.
The man asks, "Why?" The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke
Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.
Thank you.
After having failed his exam in a Student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you Can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If You however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the Exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and Neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give The student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the Same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 Year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 Year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you Have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have Failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.
Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors: "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"
"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? !? That's absurd!"
"No young man, it's sadly true," replied the Teacher smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"
I haven't checked ' snopes.com ' to see if this actually Works or not . . . But they say, If you ever get the sudden Urge to run around naked, You should sniff some Windex first.
It'll keep you from streaking....
Well I went in to get my hearing tested and the receptionist ask "Can I help you?'
I told her "My psychiatrist sent me over"
Somewhat alarmed she asked "Why would he do that?"
I said "When I saw him I had informed him that the new drugs he gave me must be working because I don't hear the voices anymore."
He replied "That can't be, you're as crazy as ever! You better get your hearing check!"
Her First Time
She leaned back and let her shapely legs relax, partly drawing up her knees.
She had put him off many times before, first one time and another, always with fear in her heart.
Some day she knew she would give into him, and he would go ahead and get what he wanted;
She too, wanted it very much, but that knowing fear always held her back.
She knew all along what would happen and now that the time had come she resignedly gave herself to him.
He had this same experience with other girls many times before, but for her it would hurt and the after effect would be wonderful.
Her fingers moved to touch it but she moved away.
His soothing and persuasive voice finally allowed him to touch the tender spot
Then he straightened up and gazed at it before he started.
She stared in horror at what he held in his hands and looked up into his eyes.
He looked down at her with admiration in his eyes and slowly nodded consent.
He was tender and careful as he promised that it wouldn't hurt her, although she moaned softly.
She relaxed completely at his command she opened wider.
She even had her lips apart and laid further back so it would go in and out with ease.
Then a shiver went through her body and she cried
with tears rolling down her face. "Take it out, please take it out.
He smiled down at her and said, "Don't worry it must come out slowly.
It won't hurt as much and it will feel better." She relaxed once more and he slowly pulled it out.
He looked down at her tear stained face and said, "It's all over now, this tooth will never bother you again."
As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.
"Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.
"That's him," comes the reply.
"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"
"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!
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