There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was
very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working
there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became
quite taken with Clearly and after a while it became obvious that she was
interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while
he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left
to do but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with Clearly.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine
slipped and fell into the river. Before he could save her, the current carried
her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and
singing ....... "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone."
As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks and doesn't speak.
And promises to do so, once a week.
I pray that she is very randy,
'Cause one like that would come in handy.
Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
And once I'm done, she begs for more.
Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's lots from behind!
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
And brings ME a beer, when she comes from the kitchen!
I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.
Amen
1, 2, We're about to screw...
3, 4, I lock the door...
5, 6, I give your clit a few little licks...
7, 8, It makes you feel great...
9, 10, I made you cum again!!
Poor little willie:-)
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.
Time was when of its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I have a full time job
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave
As every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
As my old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes
Ever wonder what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad Day........
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have
Someone to hold,
Someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do
Something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
So your daughter's a hooker,
And it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
Have you heard about the sentimental moyel who saved all his clippings. (Richard Lederer)
Daisy loved sex with both men and women, usually one of each simultaneously. "I like being the middle of a sandwich," Daisy said. She described herself as a bisexual built for two (Cynthia MacGregor)
What did the constipated man say when he discovered the best cure was shoving a palm leaf up his ass? "With fronds like this, who needs enemas?"
Did you hear about the midget that overdosed on *****? He's a little stiff now.
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, while a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Richard Lederer).
The young novice nun soon realized that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless. "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised. "I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out."
A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van (shag carpets, big double mattress in the back and all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
A week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen!"
Friend's may come
And friend's may go
And friends may peter out you know
But we'll be friend's
Though thick and thin
Peter out or peter in
Penis Poem:
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!
LIFE
Is all about ass,
you're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
or trying to get a piece of it.