Joe Torre, former manager of the New York Yankees and the Los Angeles Dodgers, used to catch for the New York Mets. In one game, with the bases loaded, the batter hit a long fly ball to center field. The man on third base tagged up and ran for home. The center fielder caught the ball and threw directly to home plate. The throw was right on target and in plenty of time, but Torre stepped aside as the runner came barreling into the plate with spikes held high. The run scored. Casey Stengel, who was managing the Mets at the time, charged out of the dugout, stood face-to-face with Joe and yelled, "What's the matter with you, chicken catcher Torre?"
(ok, this could be considered a groaner!)
A sheik employed a track star to run from the palace to his harem, which was about three miles away, to fetch one of his wives whenever he was in the mood. The sheik would nod and the track star would take off. This event usually took place about three times a day until the runner died at age 36. The sheik lived to be 96. The moral of the story is, "Sex doesn't kill you. It's the running after it that does."
Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.
I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,
But lots of things, That come to mind
Just make me kind of sad.
There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'.
We used to go to friends' homes,
Baseball games and lunches.
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.
We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.
We used to travel often
To places near and far.
Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.
We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.
That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too damn old!!
When a man climbs on a woman, he hasn't long to stay,
His mind is full of nonsense, his ass is full of play.
He climbs on like a lion, and rolls off like a lamb.
And when he zip's up his pants he isn't worth a damn.
His sporting days are over, his light is burning out,
What used to be his sex appeal, is now a water spout.
Amore
*When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie -
That's amore.*
*When an eel bites your hand and that's not what you planned -
That's a moray.*
*When our habits are strange and our customs deranged -
That's our mores.*
*When your horse munches straw and the bales total four -
That's some more hay.*
*When Othello's poor wife, she gets stabbed with a knife -
That's a Moor, eh?*
*When a Japanese knight used a sword in a fight -
That's Sa...mur...ai.*
Some Girls Beg and Some Girls Borrow
Some Bring Joy and Some Bring Sorrow
But Best Of All are Girls That Swallow
Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.
WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you
· Those who jumps off a bridge in Paris are in Seine
· A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking
· Dijon vu – the same mustard as before
· Practice safe eating – always use condiments
· Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death
· A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy
· A hangover is the wrath of grapes
· Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play
· Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
· Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion
· Reading while sunbathing makes you well red
· When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I
· A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired
· What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give away)
· Time flies like an arrow. Fruit Flies like a banana
· In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes
· She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off
· A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
· If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
· With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress
· The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered
· You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it
· Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under
· Every calendar’s days are numbered
· A lot of money is tainted – Taint yours and taint mine
· A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat
· He had a photographic memory that was never developed
· A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large
· Once you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall
· Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis
· Santa’s helpers are subordinates clauses
· Acupuncture is a jab well done