It's 3am, and a man is driving his brand new BMW M3 down the N1 at 240km/h. He's two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof with flames all around.
There' s no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, and so he stops his car. Sure enough, there's a beautiful woman in the car, but she's bleeding to death.
The guy reckons " screw it" and rushes to fetch a blanket from the car. He wraps the woman in the blanket and puts her on the back seat of his M3. He then rushes her to the hospital.
For six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and every night. He donates his blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married.
Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife. She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, and reaches into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar.
Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door and asks, "What are you doing?"
"I'm leaving you," she says.
"Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere."
"Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him.
"And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you're wearing? Everything, I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere"
"Fine," she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too.
"And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."
She looks at him, whips out her tampon and, throwing it at him says, "I'll pay you back in monthly installments, here's the first."
A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her "kitty." He did this a few times but only for a very short time each time. He would then stop and resume reading his book.
The wife gradually became aroused and thought that her husband was seeking some response before going any further. She got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked:" What are you doing taking your clothes off?"
The wife replied, 'you were playing with my kitty. "I thought you were trying to give me the hint you wanted to make love tonight?!"
The husband said," No, not at all." The wife then asked, "Well, why the hell were you touching me here then!"
The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page
A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed.
The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder"
Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrong doing.
The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery"
Again, there is a round of approving looks.This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy.
He stands up and says "My name is Melvin, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for"
The group leader says "Now, come on Melvin, you have to admit it
to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."
"Ok then. I'm in for screwing dogs."
Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "Oh that's disgusting! How LOW can you go!?!"
"Chihuahuas", Melvin replies
This guy is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the nearest whore house and says to the man working there,
"Look, I`m really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I get?"
"Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I`ll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I`ll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!"
The horny man agrees and goes two doors down on the right with the black condom on and the lights out. A while later he comes back out and says to the man working there, "Man, that was the best sex I've ever had, but why did I have to wear the black condom?"
"Well, you gotta show some respect for the dead!"
A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.
"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."
"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and said, "
The loser gets to give it."
Sexist Jokes
1. Why did God create woman? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow.
3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her.
4. What's the definition of a belly button? The place where a blonde puts her gum on the way down.
5. What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
7. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E? One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
A man is walking down the street, when he sees a machine with two holes and with a sign overhead that reads: 'Blow Job'. The machine has two slots, one for one dollar and one for a quarter.
He looks in his pockets and finds a dollar and a quarter. He throws the dollar in the machine and sticks his penis into the first hole.
And, surprisingly, it feels good... it feels very good... And just when he's about to come, the machine stops.
So he puts his dick in the other hole and puts the quarter in. And it hurts, it hurts.
At first he is not even able to take his dick out, but when he does, it's raw and covered with blood. He's crying because of the pain.
An old lady comes from behind the machine and stops to ask what's the matter.
He tells her about the first hole and how *wonderful* it felt. Then he describes the hell of the second hole, and shows her his red and torn penis.
And the little old biddy smiles sweetly and says,
"You don't expect me to take out my false teeth for a quarter, do you?"
The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.
"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."
"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."
"I went to a party,had a few beers,woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."
"My last period looked like meat."
"My balls feel soft and mushy."
"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."
"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"
"I got the dripper."
"I have food chunks in my urine."
"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."
"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."
"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."
"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."
"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over.They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores,they smell like vagina juice."
"Can't you put the swab in further?"
"I had sex with my baby's momma,sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease."
"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."
"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."
"The seam in my circumcision split open."
"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."
"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially myarmpits."
"From the looks of my penis,I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me."
"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."
"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris."
"My pee smells like ham."
One time when I was visiting Toronto I asked a chap where I could find a good house of ill repute. He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally. I went to the address and requested Sally. She took me to a room, stripped down and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is."
After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but a bit loose."
She said, "Get off for a moment." I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates.
"Try it now." she said. I did and found it better but still a bit loose, so I told her so.
She repeated her actions and when I tried it again it was perfect. When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?"
"Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up."