Definitions of a bachelor
One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
One who can get into bed from either side.
One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.
One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.
One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.
One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.
One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!
One who never makes the same mistake once.
One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.
One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.
One who would rather mend his socks than his ways!
Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's
head.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. (who's going to collect this?)
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. (Not sure I believe this one, to easy for a lawyer to get him off)
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop. (There was another case earlier this week 10/12/08 of a "police chase" where a man stole a combine)
International Marketing Flops - Thanks to translation issues
Actual Accounts
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "Whensmoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for"tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
and finally...
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."
Female Guinness Book of Records
Car Parking
The smallest curbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.
Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie", then, "him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly
spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever.
The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unelightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet Simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.
1. Never sleep with a man who has named his penis.
2. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he is in diapers.
3. Never let your man's mind wander ... it's too little to be
Let out alone.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? ... You lock
The door behind him.
5. If he asks what sort of books you like, tell him "checkbooks. "
6. If they can put a man on the moon, they should be able to
Put them all there.
7. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is
Unquestionably gay.
8. You might as well go for younger men ... They never mature anyway.
9. Women don't make fools of men ... Most of them are the
do-it-yourself type.
10. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
11. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh, all right,I'll stay
The night."
12.Definition of a bachelor: a man who missed the opportunity
To make some woman miserable.
13. Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him
Jokes it means you laugh at his.
14. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest
That they're too old for it.
15. Remember that you are known by the idiot you accompany.
16. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
17. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40
Years,proving that even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
18. So many men, so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
19. Tell him you're not his type: you have a pulse.
20. Never do housework ... No man has ever made love to a woman
Because the house was spotless.
21. If he asks you if you're faking it, tell him no, you're just practicing.
22.When he asks you if he's your first, tell him, "You may be; you
Look familiar."
23.Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't
Even bother to have lunch with.
24. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't
Dance or buy drinks.
25. Men are all the same; they just have different faces so you can
Tell them apart.
TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love .
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
OPTIMIST -- a female who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOC K SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
Your Daily Moment of Zen
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the heck alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,that's the time to do it.
5. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don't worry, it only seems wierd the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
25. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Added:
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
31. Never under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Disclaimer: Some of these laws have been repelled, those on the list were compiled by somebody else and I removed a couple that actually make sense when you think about it (example: All doors must open outward on all public buildings). This list is for fun only.
Alabama:
Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
Incestuous marriages are legal.
It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
You may not drive barefooted.
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
You must have windshield wipers on your car. (Don't understand the need for this one)
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Masks may not be worn in public.
Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
Alaska:
Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.
It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
Arizona:
Hunting camels is prohibited.
Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony.
There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
A class 2 misdemeanor occurs if one places a mark upon a flag which is "likely to provoke physical retaliation".
It is illegal to manufacture imitation cocaine.
When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.
It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
Arkansas:
The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.
A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
Oral sex is considered to be sodomy.
Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.
California:
Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
Bathhouses are against the law.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Women may not drive in a house coat.
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Colorado:
One may not mutilate a rock in a state park.
Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.
No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days.
It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.
Connecticut:
Town records may not be kept where liquor is sold.
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.
You cannot buy any alcohol after 9pm or on Sundays after noon.
It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway.
Delaware:
"R" rated movies shall not be shown at drive-in theaters.
It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.
Florida:
The state constitution allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages.
One may not commit any "unnatural acts" with another person.
Unmarried couples may not commit "lewd acts" and live together in the same residence.
Corrupting the public morals is defined as a nuisance, and is declared a misdemeanor offense.
It is illegal to sell your children.
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.
It is considered an offense to shower naked.
You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
Oral sex is illegal.
You may not kiss your wife's breasts.
Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.
Georgia:
If an organization non registered as "non-profit" fails to register their raffle with the local sheriff, that group risks paying up to $10,000 in fines and spending five years in jail.
While Georgia operates its own lottery, it "protects" its citizens by making it illegal to promote a private lottery.
The term "sadomasochistic abuse" is defined so broadly, that it could possibly be applied to a person handcuffing another in a clown suit.
All sex toys are banned.
It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.
Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.
Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.
Signs are required to be written in English.
No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.
Hawaii:
Billboards are outlawed.
All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.
Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.
Failure to obey these commandments can result in your being ridiculed by strangers and disassociated by your family and even your closest friends.
1. Thou shalt not subject defenseless bystanders to cell phone conversations. When people cannot escape the banality of your conversation—on a plane, train, bus, cab, or at a restaurant—spare them. We are just not interested, you boorish twit.
2. Thou shalt not set thy ringer to play "La Cucaracha" every time thy phone rings. Or Beethoven's Fifth, or the Bee Gees' "Stayin' Alive," or any other annoying melody. Is it not enough that your phone goes off every other second? In addition, any phone that announces "INCOMING CALL" should be tossed in a toilet.
3. Thou shalt turn thy cell phone off during public performances, in theaters, during speeches and meetings, family dinners, at weddings and funerals and on first dates.
4. Thou shalt not wear more than two wireless devices on thy belt. Techno-jockeys attempting to look like they are carrying Batman utility belts are not cool.
5. Thou shalt not dial while driving. This madness must stop. Put the phone down and just drive. There are enough people in the world who have problems mastering driving a vehicle by itself.
6. Thou shalt not wear thy earpiece in the presence of thy friends and coworkers. This is similar to wearing headphones connected to a CD player—it's just rude.
7. Thou shalt not speak louder on thy cell phone than thou would on any other phone. Phones have sensitive microphones, and it's gotten to the point where you can tell if someone is calling from a mobile phone simply by their volume of speaking, not how it sounds. If your signal cuts out, speaking louder won't help.
8. Thou shalt not grow too attached to thy cell phone. For obvious reasons, an addictive dependency on being constantly "in touch" is not healthy. At work, go nuts. Away from work, give it (and the rest of us) a rest.
9. Thou shalt not display thy cell phone on a restaurant table just in case it may ring. This is not the Old West, and you are not a gunslinger sitting down to a game of five-card stud in a Dodge City saloon. Be a little less conspicuous. If it rings, you'll hear it just as easily if it's in your pocket, purse or "holster."
10. Thou shalt not attempt to impress with thy mobile phone. Not only is using a cell phone no longer impressive (unless, of course, it's one of those really cool new phones with the space-age "Matrix" design, interchangeable multi-colored face with a laser-linked heads-up viewer and solar battery charger), but when it is used to impress, said user shall be immediately identified as a neophyte impost or a poseur and an outright ass.