A Good Defense
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer.
The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!"
After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now-Let us spray!"
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two Molson Canadian beers, draft please"
The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, boys?"
"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to England every year and rent a car and drive for miles,don't we, Jim?"
Jim agrees.
"Ah, England , "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country ... the history,
the beer, the culture ..."
"Nah, we don't like that boring historic crap," says Joe.
"Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - we think they're arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?"asks the innkeeper.
Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Weird baby
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds.
The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds.
All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.
Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong.
The head nurse replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby."
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."
"Why?" asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
The Chicken or the Egg?
A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The chicken turns over on its side and mutters, "Well, I guess that solves that debate."
87-year-old Ed is sitting at the bar of his local Senior Citizens Dance Club when in walks Mary. "What a beauty," he says to himself.
Then he can't believe his luck when she walks over and starts chatting to him.
It was love at first site for both of them.
After dating for only a few weeks, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and passionate sexy romp.
As soon as it ends, Mary notices that Ed is very quiet and still.
She then realizes that her new husband has died just as he reached his climax.
At Ed's funeral, one of Mary's friends comes over to her and says, "I was so shocked to hear the news, Mary. Whatever happened?"
"Nothing much," Mary replies, "he came and he went."
Viking God of Thunder Thor, and his buddy Odin were chillin in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin, "It's been a long time now. I really need to have get laid."
Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, O Thor, and find thyself what they call a 'lady of the night' and treat her to your manly pleasures."
And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and told him what happened the night before. "My friend," he said, grinning from ear to ear, "It was wonderful. We had hot crazy sex 38 times.."
"38 times!" exclaimed Odin. "That poor woman! These mere mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!"
So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor..."
"You're Thor?" shouted the girl. "You're Thor? What about me? I'm tho thor I can't thpeak and can hardly pith!"
A couple decide to go for a meal and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises by a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'
'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'
'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter...
'I've brought you the Peeking duck'
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.
During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.
The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.
"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
A frantic young woman rushed into Abe's Able Dry Cleaners and said to the man behind the counter, "Listen, I've got a terrible problem. I spilled ketchup on this dress, and I need it cleaned in two hours. Can you do it?"
"Sure," said the owner, "but tell me, why is there a hamburger emblem on the dress?"
"Well, you see," she replied, "a fast-food chain elected me Burger Queen of 2008. 1 have to wear that dress at my crowning ceremony in two hours. That's why I'm in a rush. Can you deliver it to me, Michelle Getty, at this address?"
She handed him a card.
"OK, I'll take care of it," he said.
As soon as the young woman left, Abe went to work on the dress. In an hour and a half, he was finished.
As he was going out the door, one of his employees stopped him and asked how to clean a certain fabric.
"I can't talk now," Abe shouted. "I have to deliver the Getty's burger dress."